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(no subject) [Sep. 17th, 2012|11:00 pm]
lookingforlo
Today has to be the lowest of days that I've had in a long long time. If it weren't for the few sliver of rays of happiness, I don't think I'd be able to even post this entry.

The trend has been downhill for a long time, I pray this is the bottom. Or else I'll need an escape
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(no subject) [Jun. 19th, 2011|12:14 am]
lookingforlo
"The word- which seems almost nothing in comparison to the mighty power of the immeasurable material cosmos, like a fleeting breath against the silent grandeur of the universe- the word is more real and more lasting than the entire material world. The word is the true, dependable reality: the solid ground on which we can stand, which holds firm even when the sun goes dark and the firmament disintegrates."
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(no subject) [Oct. 12th, 2010|09:25 pm]
lookingforlo
I don't want to miss you anymore. I don't want to worry. I don't want to wander what's happening and I don't want to not be sure anymore...

I want to be more than just next to you, because it would still be too far away. I want to be with you, with nothing between us, no lies, no words, no clothes, no sheets, just us becoming one. I want to hold you and to feel you hold me back, I want to be inside you, completely so that so that you're wrapped tightly around me as I wrap my arms and whole body around you. I want to fill you up and make you mine forever, I want you to belong to me and only me. I want the world to know that you're mine...

I want to make a family with you and I want to dedicate and give my life to taking care of you and our kids. The kids that were made and have both you and me...

I want to wake up with you next to me so that you're the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night. I want to wake up and brush my teeth with you, holding you with my free hand, take a shower with you to wake us up and make breakfast for us....we can take turns though...I want to kiss you goodbye as I go to work to make money for our family, to pay for our home, our cars, our kids and your shopping. And for taking you out on the town to celebrate our love. I want to come home, tired from work and sit down and play with our kids, wrestle with them and then fall asleep on the floor with them from exhaustion. I want to sit in bed with you and our kids between us because they're scared and want to sleep with us. I want you tell them lovingly that this is mommy and daddy's bed. I want to turn off the lights, slide my arms around you and pull you close to me as I kiss you passionately, as we hold each other close and fall asleep together....I want to make you feel the beauty that I see in you....
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(no subject) [Oct. 9th, 2010|09:09 am]
lookingforlo
One of the lightest mornings I've had in the longest time....

I made myself some brunch and sat at the table thinking about you in silence...wishing you were sitting across from me...or even better, to my right or to my left...in the silence, images of light laughter and warm soft glances crossed my mind...no tv, no radio, just the birds in the distance and and the occasional car passing outside and the light breeze that would act up from time to time....something's missing in this heart of mine....is it really you that will fill it?
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(no subject) [Oct. 8th, 2010|05:42 pm]
lookingforlo
I don't want to be alone tonight....
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(no subject) [Oct. 7th, 2010|09:05 pm]
lookingforlo
I like to call it autumn, there's so much more depth to it. For some reason, I've always had a strange attraction to this time of year...even if it meant awkward beginnings at school and the start of another year. Maybe it's the fact that it marked the beginning of another year for me.

I think it's more than that, it's the warmth of the bright sun that pierces the clear crisp air and the light breeze that brushes against my cheek and reminds me of something, but I've never know what it was...

I've always been nostalgic this time of year, even when I was younger, I remember watching cartoons after school in those first few weeks of school, and as I lay there with my head in my hands towards the television, something would draw me to look outside, into the backyard, I could see the wind blow, moving the leaves, the branches and I'd be drawn to open the door so that I could be a part of it.

And now it's that time of year again....it approaches inevitably and I am left with merely a hint of excitement and a hint of deep hesitation....
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(no subject) [Sep. 19th, 2010|05:03 pm]
lookingforlo
This has been a crappy week, with an even crappier weekend...

And it ends with rain, which I find fitting since it felt like the sky was crying the tears that I didn't want to let out. For a while I was trying to hide from it, running to my car and ducking in fast, then driving through the streets trying to see through the pouring rain on the windshield and avoiding the large puddles that formed...I was soaked, my books and papers were wet and all I wanted to do was take a shower...and in my shower it hit me...instead of avoiding it, I should be in it. I went for a run and remembered how much I love running in the rain. I splashed through every puddle that was large enough...rain was washing my sweat off as I ran almost as if it were cleansing my very soul...for the briefest of moments, my mind was clear for the first time since I can remember....

and now I'm back to my loneliness...
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(no subject) [Sep. 11th, 2010|09:50 pm]
lookingforlo
I'm not a good person.

In my life, I've done more harm than good, treated people badly, and just not helped to make this world a better place. In fact, I can honestly say that it's probably worse because of the things I've done and the people I've hurt. Unfortunately, I only have the rest of my life to make it all up.

That's not enough time.
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(no subject) [Aug. 26th, 2010|09:21 pm]
lookingforlo
Broken.

Empty.
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(no subject) [Aug. 4th, 2010|10:12 pm]
lookingforlo
She broke my heart

she broke my soul
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